I was having a friendly conversation with Nichole Galicia, Panamanian supermodel and star of Quentin Tarantino's new movie Django Unchained (out Christmas Day) when, about an hour into it, we agreed to form a lethal bounty-hunting crew. Bounty hunting is the subject of Django, or one of its subjects. Galicia and I talked about that recently over the phone, plus shooting kneecaps and killer dress codes and the absence of badass bounty-hunting nicknames.
MARK SVARTZ: You ready to talk about bounty hunting?
NICHOLE GALICIA: Yeah, I'm curious where this conversation's going to go.
MS: To start, bounty hunting sounds like the most outdated, barbaric profession out there.
NG: Yeah, it sounds like a rough job. I'm sure some people love it, though.
MS: It's human hunting. Who wouldn't love that?
NG: Well, hopefully you don't kill your prey. At least we've finally done away with those dead-or-alive bounties.
MS: Where's the fun in that? I like options.
NG: Do you think there are any female bounty hunters?
MS: There was that famous one — Domino. She was a model-turned-bounty hunter. Keira Knightley played her in a movie.
NG: Hm, model-turned-bounty hunter. I think I'd be good at that. I just started firearms training. Okay, actually, I'm such a softie wuss. I would never shoot anyone. But it's nice to know that if I had to, I could take you down.
MS: That could be your secret to success. You knock on the door, fugitive sees a hot supermodel and quickly opens up. And then you take them down. Never saw it coming.
NG: Exactly. If I can bounty hunt in my short skirt and high heels: done.
MS: Though I read that some states legally require bounty hunters to wear vests that clearly label them as bounty hunters.
NG: I guess when you're aggressively knocking on someone's door, you should be easily identifiable, so you're not shot on their porch.
MS: But isn't that overkill? If I see an 800-pound Japanese man in a diaper trying to push me out of a circle, I'm pretty sure he's a sumo wrestler. No vest necessary. So if I'm a fugitive on the lam, and there's a guy with a mullet and feather earrings knocking down my door, I think I can figure it out without a name tag.
NG: True. Though maybe it's his bookie coming to collect? Or maybe it's one of his fugitive friends. We can't just let people break down doors without proper vests.
MS: I still don't truly understand bounty rules. According to Wikipedia, those guys can break into homes without a warrant, carry concealed weapons, arrest people.
NG: It sounds like bounty hunting is the Guantanamo Bay of law enforcement. I would assume that the authorities are pretty desperate by the time they would employ a bounty hunter, so they give you a little more slack.
MS: The more we talk about it, the more I kinda want to be one. Break into homes. No rules. Fancy vests. Sounds fun.
NG: Me, too. We can be a team. I'll be carrying the gun. You can go ask the questions. Before they know it, they're down on the ground, and we're getting our reward money.
MS: I wish my high school guidance counselor would've mentioned bounty hunting as a viable career option.
NG: The bounty hunter never shows up on Career Day.
MS: But he should.
NG: Are bounty hunters allowed to shoot people?
MS: I don't know how far they're allowed to go. Can they shoot people? Can they choke them?
NG: If they're allowed to carry a gun, it's probably not just a fashion accessory. If you're going after an escaped fugitive, and you have a gun, and they have a gun, and you're not wearing your "Hi, I'm a Friendly Bounty Hunter" T-shirt, you may want to know how to use that gun. But don't worry, like I said, I'm a good shot. I got your back.
MS: Good, I'm gonna need the backup.
NG: See, while you're talking, I'm still gonna be in the car. And I'll just shoot the guy in the kneecaps and take him out.
MS: You're going kneecaps?
NG: Oh, yeah. I want him to live so we get our money. I don't want any of that "You killed him before we questioned him" loophole, so they don't pay us. I need him alive.
MS: But then I'm probably gonna have to drag him, right?
NG: Hell, yeah. I did all the hard work. You do the dragging.
MS: I was kind of hoping you'd shoot him in the shoulder so he can hobble over himself.
NG: I'm sorry. How's about an arm shot?
MS: Arm's good. But no pressure. We just need a little time to get on the same page.
NG: We don't have our Bonnie and Clyde down quite yet, but we will get there.
MS: I'd like to propose something off the bat. We might not want to call ourselves "bounty hunters."
NG: Oh? Why's that?
MS: I think we might get more business if we had a more sophisticated name. Maybe something like "return specialists."
NG: [Laughs.] Return specialists. I like that.
MS: It's kind of like how janitors sometimes go by "custodial engineers."
NG: We should be engineers! Retrieval engineers.
MS: Yes. Now we can get the high-end fugitives.
NG: But don't we need code names? You can't call me Nichole, and I can't call you Mark. We need cool retrieval-engineer names.
MS: Agreed. That's actually the most disappointing thing about bounty hunting — the lack of badass nicknames.
NG: What about Dog?
MS: Dog is the only one. You'd think they'd all have cool nicknames like wrestlers and Top Gun pilots, lots of Snakes and Hollywoods. But I looked up the most famous bounty hunters in history, and it's just a bunch of Bobs and Garys.
NG: Then the industry needs us. I'm thinking mine needs to be delicate, but dangerous. Something like puss* Willow the Bounty Huntress. I mean, the retrieval engineer. What about you? What's your badass bounty-hunter name?
MS: I think I might go with The Shadow.
NG: That's great. puss* Willow and The Shadow. Do we sound menacing enough? I think I might need a more menacing name. How about if I was The Butcher & The Baker?
MS: The Butcher & The Baker and The Shadow.
NG: They'll think there's three of us. That's how we throw them off.
MS: Just a heads up: I'm already writing the TV pilot.
NG: You better call me up when it's done, because I'm so down. I'm that girl who, when you have a harebrained scheme, you call me, and I don't care what time of day it is — I'm already getting dressed as you give me the address.
MS: We know our roles, we have our nicknames. I think the last thing we need to figure out is how to track bad guys. I say we just log onto Foursquare.
NG: Yes, we're modern-day hunters. Let's just sit back and follow fugitives on Facebook and Twitter. We can hire some twelve-year-old computer genius to do all our social-media tracking.
MS: So you're gonna be doing the shooting, and some techy kid is gonna be doing the tracking. What's my role?
NG: You can be undercover. And you can lure the fugitives out of their hiding place with your journalistic charm, so that I can get a clear shot. And then you can escort them to the van.
MS: Hold up a second, Ms. Butcherbaker. Are you turning me into bait?
NG: [Laughs.] Someone has to be the bait. I can't run in heels.
MS: There's no better bait than a supermodel.
NG: Yeah, but I'm a better shot. C'mon, you're very persuasive. This is a way better role for you. You can befriend this sad fugitive and lure him out in the open. It's a very important job, you know.
MS: Fine. But if I get them out, you better not miss.
NG: Oh, I'm taking them down. Mid-conversation. Trust me.
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Mark Svartz is an artist and creative director and author of the book I Hate You, Kelly Donahuehttp://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=esquiremag-20&l=as2&o=1&a=1440527547.
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